Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
