Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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