I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
