I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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