i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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