my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
