Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
