I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
