Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
