My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
