I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
