Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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