my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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