He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
