I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
