I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
