I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
