hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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