Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
