I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
