If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
