i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
