Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
