Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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