yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
