I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
