he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
