Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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