so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
