Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
