is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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