You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
