Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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