when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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