Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
