She is in my trunk
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
