I smell stomach acid.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
