one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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