I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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