Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
