Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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