Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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