I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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