with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
