Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
