every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
