I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
