i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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