Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
