Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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